Ciaran Dorris 'Home'

I am compelled today to listen to ‘Home’ by Ciaran Dorris who is the second Independent Artist whose music was and is fundamental to my ongoing journey of healing, hope, and eventually back to the life I long, - no I NEED to live~ In this song he sings ‘feeling like a non contender swimming vainly against the stream, feet of clay in the race of life, unravelling. I set out once for a far horizon left too early and crashed and burned, but I’ve a sense of a new dawn rising…. ‘up NORTH where the eagle flies….’ someplace there’s a fire still burning and part of me lies waiting’!

I was born at the foothills of the Colorado Rocky Mountains but we moved east when I was only 3 months old so those early weeks are not a clear memory. All my childhood memories surround the Philadelphia and metropolitan area, although my father moved back to Colorado and subsequently Wyoming for 4 years so I do recall mountains and miss them greatly! Even the area where I raised my own children was situated at the foot of the Appalachian Mountains along the Susquehanna Trail in Lancaster County Pennsylvania where the children and I liked to hike sometimes. It has only been the past 10 years that I have lived in Florida and I am unashamed to admit that I am not at home in a subtropical environment. I need the cold air, the four seasons, mountains and the dark winters, the smell of rain wet air, oh just all of it please?

Ciaran’s song ‘Dulce Decorum Est’ has also brought reclamation to my war weary mother’s heart as I have had time to reposition my ideas and outlook on war! I come from a long line of military family members including 3 of my children. The horrors of September Eleventh 2001,ever present in my mind and heart and the tearing apart of my very soul on that day. Thank you Ciaran for opening my eyes to a higher way through your song! There is another song that Ciaran sings on his album ‘Home’ titled ‘Killing Time’ which sounds like a personal journal/song about someone dear who was killed. Every time I listen to it I am moved quite deeply by the lyrics.’I’m just trying to get my head around the notion that my best friend was killed today’ Ciaran sings. This song goes on to tell the story of two young friends and the life they shared together. If this song does not put a human face on the “glories” of war in such a way as to sicken one to the personal hell of war then there truly is no help for mankind.

There was a young man I knew, Joel. He was 18, blonde, young and innocent and a close friend of my older daughter ‘Wee Mary’. The night before the two young ones ‘shipped out’ for basic training, they stayed out all night together. They’d shared most everything as friends do in their high school years and as a mother I would not disallow 2 friends to spend their ‘last night of freedom’ together. I’ve never regretted that decision. They went to the local park, held hands while swinging on the swings. slid down the sliding board backwards, went to an all night diner for a plate of fries (chips in the UK) and Pepsi’s. Afterwards, they found an open field where they lay down side by side and star gazed until sunrise. Three weeks later September Eleventh 2001 the Twin Towers in New York City were blown apart.

The second song that I heard Ciaran sing was ‘Invitation’~ I was in Hawaii at the time and the lyrics I first heard, the ones that reached my heart were this, ‘the pain doesn’t hurt like it used to do, the fear doesn’t haunt like before’. I remember thinking, how is that possible?

After basic training, Joel was assigned to the 101st Airborne Division and was deployed to Afghanistan. I didn’t hear from him at all and Wee Mary heard infrequently. She sensed that all was not well but she too was facing probable deployment and my little girl, who’d never killed so much as an ant had to grow up in a way I never envisioned for her. When the first strike began another mom and I were shopping in the same store and we heard the horrendous news! Our eyes met across the aisles and without a word we reached across towards one another and began to weep inconsolably in each others’ arms right there in the middle of the store, we both knew we had to start a support group for other parents like ourselves in our town. We met once a week to share the stories of our children and eventually fathers, siblings, former service persons also came to share. I wrote a letter to Joel’s parents and invited them to participate. His family were what we call conscientious objectors. Anabaptist groups do not participate in wars except in ways that help and heal and I know it was devastating to them that their blue eyed, golden haired, fun loving, tender, gentle son was carrying a gun. His father came to our group and wept, a man who’d been at Pearl Harbor as a young sailor on board one of the ships, told us how he had to carry his friends burnt bodies off the wreckage, he said he still smelled the fuel and the smoldering flesh all these years later! The look on the man’s face was not something I can ever bear to see again. He told us after the meeting that he’d never shared this story with anyone, not even his wife and children.

Joel came home on leave after 18 months and was treated with all the ‘usual ceremony’ that can be done to honour one like him. When I found out he was going to speak about his experiences at the local school I asked him if I could take him to lunch afterwards and he agreed. After his ‘debriefed’ talk we met up at our favourite local pizzeria. What I saw haunts me to this day. He was emaciated, his eyes were sunken into his face, and he couldn’t meet my eyes! We ordered our pizza and sat and looked at one another. After 30 minutes of silence and not eating he spoke…. I do believe now that our conversation that day was the farrowing of my heart’s ground so that I would be receptive to Ciaran’s songs all these years later, ‘the pain doesn’t hurt like it used to do, the fear doesn’t haunt like before.’ All of Ciaran’s songs on his CD tell a story , ‘Hometown Good~bye’ I am convinced is a song about me even though I did not know Ciaran yet. I listen to Ciaran’s music several times a week now, it’s healing me. Joel returned to the war and I’ve never seen or heard from him again, nor has Wee Mary. If I ever did I’d gladly give him my CD and pray it would also heal his heart. Ciaran, thank you for your music~!

For more on Ciaran Dorris, visit his official website at: http://www.ciarandorris.com/